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COLUMNS


Is your department getting shut down?


By Ben Todd
Posted on November 4, 2014 | Columns | Comments Off on Is your department getting shut down?

In the recent events of a certain department being restructured, I had a table talk with some of my friends thinking about what sort of revenge plans the once-was department would implement.

What if other departments were shut down? What would their plots for revenge be now that they are no longer a part of campus? Here’s what I could think of…

Math Department: make Wi-Fi passwords for the campus that have to be solved using complicated math formulas and algorithms.

Engineering Department: create catapults aimed at buildings on campus throwing angry bird plushies as well as the occasional Bean food scraps.

Language and Literature Department: create typos and errors on all signs on campus causing newcomers to become lost. In addition, they would change the language of the University’s main page every day.

Education Department: continue to work on their coloring books, except they don’t have to color inside the lines anymore. The ultimate rebels, we have here.

Kinesiology and Nutrition Department: Change the pH of the swimming pool to cause rashes as well as sabotage all the gym equipment. Nutrition will replace butter with lard in all foods on campus. Although, we can’t be too sure that this is not already the case.

Bible Department: They may have to get rid of the “C” in ACU.

Art Department: Graffiti all over campus. They redesign every logo and layout on campus to break every single design rule. Comic Sans… Comic Sans everywhere…

Theatre Department: Three words: Hamlet, nude, GATA fountain. In all seriousness though, eccentric people have lost their department to express their craziness. This doesn’t bode well.

Chemistry Department: Potassium bombs in the toilets. It’s happened before, it will happen again.

Nursing Department: They can and will create a strep throat epidemic on campus.

Psychology Department: Thanks to classical conditioning, hypnotism and other manipulations of the unconscious, they are the only department that will never be shut down. Just say the phrase, “The cellar door has drumsticks,” in front of faculty and you’ll see.

Business Department: Still selling T-shirts, but they start printing gigantic portraits of our professors onto them. It ends up being their best product, too.

I couldn’t get to all of the departments, but you can still add onto the list. Tell us how you would respond by tweeting @acuoptimist.

avatar Posted by Ben Todd on Nov 4th, 2014 and filed under Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.  - This post has been viewed 7792 times.

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